oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
Randomize
