Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
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