My room smells like vodka and shame
it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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