Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Randomize
