i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
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