you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
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