Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Randomize
