At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize
