my phone needs a breathalizer
I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
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