I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
