I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Randomize
