I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
