Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
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