Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
So many bounce houses so little time
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
