the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Randomize
