perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
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