guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Randomize
