Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
