No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize
