apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Randomize
