Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
