Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
