Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
