is your mom at the bar?
I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Randomize
