He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
