I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Randomize
