K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
If I had your ass I would rule the world
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Randomize
