In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
