the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
Come share oat with me in your robe
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Randomize
