Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
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