ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Randomize
