Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
Randomize
