i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
