apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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