Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Randomize
