I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
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