just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Randomize
