She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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