At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
they need to just BURY HIM!
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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