oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Randomize
