final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Randomize