I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
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