Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Randomize
