so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
