I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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