I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
