Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
