this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
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