apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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