Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
